A friendly neighbourhood reminder

Posted by & filed under Catherine, Complaint Department, Vancouver.

To whom it may concern:

Firstly, I want to assure you I have nothing less than the utmost sympathy for what you are going through. I can certainly appreciate the sheer number of emotional and logistical challenges inherent in caring for a dog as large and as gravely ill as yours appears to be. On a more optimistic note, we can probably take your pet’s hearty appetite as a good sign.

However, I would like to remind you of the proportionate relationship between the height of very tall people (e.g. yours truly) and the size of one’s foot. This naturally corresponds to the area of the sole that contacts the ground. Also consider that height has a bearing on other values: weight, momentum, sprinting ability, fist size, et cetera.

Additionally, you may not be aware of the well-established correlation between time spent cleaning shoes (t) and emotional irritability (i). i increases exponentially as the value of t rises. I’m just saying.

In conclusion, please buy a snow shovel and clean up after your dog, jerkface.

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