Omega Point

A friendly neighbourhood reminder

To whom it may concern:

Firstly, I want to assure you I have noth­ing less than the utmost sym­pa­thy for what you are going through. I can cer­tainly appre­ci­ate the sheer num­ber of emo­tional and logis­ti­cal chal­lenges inher­ent in car­ing for a dog as large and as gravely ill as yours appears to be. On a more opti­mistic note, we can prob­a­bly take your pet’s hearty appetite as a good sign.

How­ever, I would like to remind you of the pro­por­tion­ate rela­tion­ship between the height of very tall peo­ple (e.g. yours truly) and the size of one’s foot. This nat­u­rally cor­re­sponds to the area of the sole that con­tacts the ground. Also con­sider that height has a bear­ing on other val­ues: weight, momen­tum, sprint­ing abil­ity, fist size, et cetera.

Addi­tion­ally, you may not be aware of the well-established cor­re­la­tion between time spent clean­ing shoes (t) and emo­tional irri­tabil­ity (i). i increases expo­nen­tially as the value of t rises. I’m just saying.

In con­clu­sion, please buy a snow shovel and clean up after your dog, jerkface.